My name is Lotta Holmberg and I am 23 years old. I have practised since February this year. Since I started I have been calm and collected, happy and out-going most of the time. That is not so strange maybe, if it was not for the fact that at the same time I am in the most difficult situation I have been in my life so far. I have always been very ambitious and active – a good girl, but when a member of my family contracted a serious form of cancer I almost completely lost my bearings. The situation in my family was the starting factor but the situation got worse when I struggled with an enormous hesitation as to what I wanted to do in life. For a person who always looked ahead, set high goals and wanted to achieve a lot, this inactivity proved devastating and I have been ready to abandon all my dreams. I have loathed myself and my near and dear ones have carried a heavy burden, in addition to what they had to deal with.
I did not start to practise to remedy physical complaints but I was drawn to the mystical aspects and the stories I had heard – maybe I just wanted to find some new activity. Without my realizing how, things have started to happen with my attitude toward life which I had not expected. The best thing I have gained from the training is the understanding of the responsibility I have for my life. Now it makes me rather surprised when I think about how I have been like a reed shaken by the wind over the years, following every urge and emotion with no responsibility whatsoever. For a long time I was one of those difficult teenagers who love to search for gloomy feelings in order to analyze and understand more of the complexity of life, and that did not make things any easier. It is not until now that I understand that there is another way to deal with life – a level of calm and neutrality which, if kept up, makes me walk on rather freely through life and be the captain of my own ship. You do not always have to be emotional about everything, you can let things happen when they do instead. Mental blocks do not throw me out of balance so easily anymore – I am more stable and I often chuckle at life. It is nice to know that I no longer worry those near me all the time, but instead I am able to induce calm and make them laugh.
So in some way the knowledge and philosophy which is taught at the courses have been stored inside me and it is easier for me to find answers and solutions to situations in which I find myself. The sense of being part of a larger whole has also been important – not only in the physical sense of sharing the fellowship but also in the more abstract sense of becoming part of a common way of interpreting life. I find it rather incredible that one has to learn from scratch how to find one’s way to positive things and situations and not to waste one’s energy on the negative things in life – just to think that this is training for us! That tells you something about our culture and how difficult we can make life.
Of course it is often hard to stand up and practise, but to do it anyway in those situations gives you so much and that is the kind of spirit that will influence you in so many other situations. To practise means simply to have self control – to be master of your body and your mind and to realize that anything else would be absurd. When I drive a car I would not get the idea of letting go of the steering wheel and in your life that should be just as unthinkable.
So this contribution of mine is not so much about tangible physical changes but rather about a person who is in the process of finding a new correspondence of things and a new outlook on life. One who dares to be a little happier, to let go a little more and let the hard things come and go without sacrificing that calm and one’s identity. I hope that this will be of some inspiration to those who read it, and that it makes more people start practising. I still do not understand what is happening with me when I practise (and believe me, I have tried to understand) but that is rather nice too – to just do it anyway.
Lotta Holmberg