When I think back of how I felt two years ago, I am happy to realize that I did not really understand the seriousness of my health problems at the time. From childhood I had suffered from depression and anxiety disorder for almost 20 years. My depressions got steadily more severe and more frequent. Between those sequences I was moderately depressed and thought that life was meant to be grey until the very end. Except for the depressions, I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder, social phobia, generalized anxiety syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder.
“Brain burned out”
At last my brain got burned out. The sheer thought of cooking a meal or putting a letter in the mailbox was too much for me. My brain seemed to be worn out and I had lost all hope for recovery. I discontinued my study and the only thing I did was to sit and steer. During that period my joints started to hurt, I got a hole in my eardrum without any clear cause, I got tinnitus and my gums turned into one large wound. No doctor of dentist understood the symptoms that were incomprehensible and did not fit in anything they had seen before. Around Christmas time of the year 2005, my health state had deteriorated to such an extent that I was taken into Karolinska Hospital with intravenous antibiotics, chemotherapy and high doses of cortisone. I was not able to put on my clothes and I did not hear anything in my left ear. They did surgery, X-rayed me and took a number of specimens. The result was discouraging: I suffered from a very unusual rheumatic disease called Wegeners Granulomatosis which, if untreated, can cause death if it invades the vital organs.
Faith in people’s capacity to heal themselves
The medication took away most of the pain, but I was incredibly tired, worn out and my mental health was terrible. I hated myself and had a strong self destructive tendency. Anyone or anything could push me over the border towards dangerous self-contempt. However, I have always had faith in people’s capacity to heal themselves. So when I saw an announcement from European Zhineng Qigong Center in Stockholm and I decided to participate in a course. It was the beginning of my self-healing journey. When I joined my first summer course, 9 days in 2007, everything changed. I could laugh for the first time in many years. I felt a deep happiness in my heart. All my senses started to wake up. It was wonderful to feel happy again. Since that moment I have been training for about one hour a day. If I do not train I can feel it straight away. My joints start to hurt again and the anxiety returns. Qigong takes away the anxiety that has pursued me all of my life and that no medication or treatment can take away. Now there are periods in which I do not feel the anxiety at all. When I practice I do not only notice differences from day to day both also from month to month. I realize what enormous progress I have made in all kinds of ways. Something that goes unnoticed if one does not think about it is the fact that I have not had a single cold since I started training Qigong. Previously, my immune system was really bad.
Free from depression
Today I have started working again after four years. My rheumatic illness is under control, even without medication. I am much more stable. I have found an inner strength and have not suffered from depression since I started training Zhineng Qigong. Also the anxiety problems that I had to face before have disappeared almost completely. Before I started training Zhineng Qigong, I had tried cognitive behavioural therapy, psychotherapy, self hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Rosen treatment, and on top of that I have used medicines for years, but none of the treatments completely took away my anxiety.
My new and strong life
As a chronically depressed person one is supposed to have relapses every now and then and get depressed again. But I have faith that it does not have to be like that for me. I would recognize the symptoms and all I have to do is to practice more. Nobody can take away Zhineng Qigong from me. It is like a friend who always has time for me. That is a very secure feeling. Apart from the fact that my health status has dramatically improved, my whole life has changed. New possibilities have emerged and problems have been solved. One example is that I got the opportunity to rent a nice house on the country side and that I have bought sheep and dogs. I work as a photographer now and soon I will give birth to my first child. Starting a family was completely out of the question three years ago. At the time I was not able to get pregnant because of the chemotherapy, except from the fact that I considered it to be unsuitable because of my severe depressions. But today I feel strong and stable. I look forward to my new and healthy life. And especially to becoming a mother.
Anna